My life was no different from any other individual who has felt helpless, hopeless, meaningless, and restless. Only through the endless love, grace, and mercy of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I’m alive to write my story today. Similar to some of you reading this page right now, I was practically born and raised inside of the protected and fortified walls of church. It was no surprise that I became a minister of the gospel. My grandfather was a Methodist preacher, my mother was a pastor, and I always aspired to one day carry on the legacy. However after my matriculation from high school and enrollment into college I began to explore my surroundings like most young scholars who find themselves away from home for the first time. Attending church on Sunday’s quickly became a thing of the past, and my relationship with Christ diminished. In place of my day to day fellowship with Jesus Christ I occupied my time with parties, social events, and a long distance love affair that I had been involved in for four years. I barely talked to God in prayer anymore or called on his name for anything, my social life, and my thirst for my love affair became everything to me. Little by little I became more and more sadden as my smiles turned to frowns and internal cries turned to external tears. Each passing day my pain grew deeper and it became extremely difficult to get out of bed in the morning. On the outside I continued to be the life of the party and maintained a cool persona, but inside all I wanted to do was sleep, cry, and win the internal war intensifying within me. The more I tried to hold on to my love affair the weaker spiritually, mentally, and emotionally I became. No longer could a long distant love affair soothe my pain, I was in need of God’s Agape (unconditional) love.
“MY BREAKING POINT”
After months of eagerly trying to find eternal peace, joy, and love within temporary circumstances the straw had finally broken the camels back and I reached my breaking point. Christmas day 1995 following a heated disagreement with my mother over my long distance relationship I began to cycle out of control letting all of my suppressed feelings and emotions out at once. Verbally I displaced all of my anger and frustration from my own internal struggles onto my mom. My mother immediately began to cry as she fell paralyzed by my verbal lashing and the fact that she could no longer recognize her son’s voice. Anger, frustration, and pain had become the driving forces behind my words and I didn’t care at that time about the effects of them on others. Shortly after my disagreement between my mom and I, instantly I felt guilty, and at a loss for words regarding the dispute that had just occurred between my mother and I. I didn’t mean to hurt her by pouring all of my emotional trash out on her. See I love my mom dearly. How could I have ever disrespect mom in such a manner? Feeling cornered by the spirit of Self Destruction I proceeded to lock myself in my bedroom and at that moment I could heard suicide’s voice ever so clearly. The spirit of suicide started to flip through the files of my life in order to remind me of all of my failures, sorrow, pain, anger, rejection, and meaningless victories. My perception of suicide’s false truths caused me to collapse onto my bed, the tears of agony started to stream down my face staining the pillows underneath me. The Spirit of Self Destruction whispered distorted facts that no one understood my struggles and reassured me that I could trust his father Satan. Self Destruction instructed me to end it all, and encouraged me that I would feel better after I was gone. I replied by way of mental thought to the Spirit of Self Destruction by asking are you certain that this is the only way out? Self Destruction answered with one of the greatest lies Satan ever told, God will forgive you this is the only way out.
“FAILED ATTEMPT”
Under the coaching and constant pressure from both the spirit of Self Destruction and Suicide I finally yielded to follow its lead. Determining quickly that I didn’t want to experience any more pain I slowly opened my room door and headed right for my mother’s medicine cabinet. I hastily scrambled choosing six pills from a small bottle with a faded label. Take note there was no time to waste, I was under the influence of suicide and self destruction following through was my only option. Closing my room door behind me I grasped tightly onto the six pills and with no need for water I swallowed them one by one. Shortly after ingesting the pills my vision became blurry, everything around me went blank, and I was told that I began to hyperventilate. Preceding these changes of events my sister walked in my room and found me collapsed on the bed. My sister quickly informed my mother of the situation and immediately called 911.
Rushing to my aid the paramedics checked my vital signs and quickly loaded me on to a stretcher. On the way to the hospital I vividly remember the sounds of the ambulance sirens, engine purring, bumps in the road, and the noise of the medical equipment moving back and forth. Nevertheless I will never forget the voice of the EMS attendant as he looked down into my flushed brown face and said these words in a calm tone “You know you are going to be fine because Jesus Loves You”. Then he ensued to clutch my trembling hands and with no more words exchanged I could feel the peaceful presence of God’s Holy Spirit like never before. I knew from that point on I would be more than ok and that my attempt to end my life had been unsuccessful. After arriving to the hospital I searched for the EMT that had ministered words of comfort to me however, I never saw that gentleman again. Praise the Lord! Suicide tried but couldn’t destroy me because God had put a but in my life.
Prophet Oliver T. Reid is a nationally and internationally recognized Speaker, Poet, Author, and Founder of O.T.R. Ministries International www.otrministries.com
